With the festive period fast approaching, we sit down with counsellor and mental health expert Annabelle Hird MBACP for some tips on how to get through Christmas when it feels like the last thing you want to do
We are heading into the fairy-lit haze of the festive season and for many the smell of cinnamon and onslaught of carols are not signals for making-merry but rather triggers for all kinds of difficult feelings.
The endless messages portraying living-rooms jam packed with loved ones can feel extremely painful if you are alone, or if for you, visiting your family of origin means re-visiting traumatic events and relationships from the past.
If you are unwell, mentally or physically, suffering a bereavement or simply cannot afford all the trimmings this year, then Christmas can come with an awful lot of pressure. Annabelle Hird MBACP of BeHird therapy has put together the following things to think about that may prove useful during the build up to Christmas:
1) Do you have to do Christmas at all?
The desire for Christmas not to be happening can be strong, I am afraid it is happening, but it is happening for others. Does it have to happen for you? For many the answer to this question will be yes because there are other people whose need for Christmas to carry on as ‘normal’ take priority over yours, but it is worth asking yourself the question. If this has been a particularly difficult year for you, if you have suffered a loss or ill health, your needs may be the priority, you may get the permission you need to sit it out and some support thrown in as a bonus.
2) Does it have to be this way?
Tradition plays a very important role in so many families at Christmas time, but sometimes a little shake up could see everyone a whole lot happier. A few years ago my father was brave enough to speak up about his dislike for turkey, he wasn’t alone. Turkey no longer features on our table at Christmas time and we are all a lot happier about it.
That is a small example, but having gentle and honest conversations with those you usually share Christmas with may throw to light some bigger aspects that could be changed. Perhaps you find going to Great Auntie Sally’s for sherry in the afternoon a real bore? Maybe she really doesn’t enjoy hosting. You could both have been pretending to save each other’s feelings.
3) Does it have to cost this much?
I will not be the first to say that the Christmas season has been high-jacked by consumerism, but that fact does not make it any easier to navigate with a tight budget. With adults there are all kinds of ways to give without spending money – you could make gifts, offer your time and skills, or simply agree a sort of gifting ‘truce’ and let everyone off the hook.
The key to doing this with integrity intact is honesty. Speaking up and saying, ‘I am really struggling this year’ may feel like an excruciating idea but I promise exposing that vulnerability in yourself will make such a refreshing change to all the ‘keeping up appearances’ nonsense that is considered business as usual. I am willing to bet others will be sharing your experience and grateful for the opportunity to say so.
With Children, there is a pressure to keep the magic alive, but try to focus on the process rather than the product. The pleasure is in the unwrapping and the surprise; most small children enjoy packaging more than the toys. Also, don’t be afraid to seek out help with gifts for your children if there is any on offer. There is no shame taking support where it is available, human beings actually love the feeling they get from helping.
4) Do you have to be alone?
Human beings are designed to seek out contact, and if you are struggling with loneliness then Christmas can feel like torture. You do have options but they involve being very brave. If you have decided that you would like to spend Christmas with others you are going to need to be very honest with those you know about your fears and desires.
We can all be very guilty of presuming that everyone has somewhere to go to celebrate and you are unlikely to be included in other people’s plans unless you express the fact that you do not have any. Telling a person ‘I think I am going to be alone this Christmas and I don’t want to be’ can seem like the hardest thing to do, but you can’t expect that people will notice your suffering and needs unless you express them.
5) Can Christmas be entirely about others?
Volunteering at Christmas can be a wonderful way to escape your own pain, to meet wonderful people and to benefit others. A quick Google should throw to light some charity run events that will take place on Christmas day. My advice would be to secure a spot as early as possible, there are more people than you think looking to approach Christmas differently. You are not alone.
Annabelle Hird MBACP
About Annabelle
Having trained at London’s Tavistock and Portman and qualified at The Gestalt Centre, Annabelle Hird combines her work with Post Natal Depression Charity, Cocoon Family support, youth counselling charity, Off The Record, and her own private practice, Be Hird Therapy that operates from Movers and Shapers in St Margarets .
Annabelle works with a broad client base presenting with varied issues ranging from feeling sad to generalised anxiety disorder and panic disorder, relationship issues to seasonal affective disorder. She believes passionately in the power of an empathetic, supportive therapeutic relationship.
Whilst she is experienced with, and enjoys continuing to work with, clients struggling with many issues, her area of particular interest is perinatal mental health and she runs a free peer support group for new parents on Monday mornings. Space is limited so please email bellahird@gmail.com to find out more and to secure a spot.
BeHird Therapy is currently running an offer for those with concerns about Christmas in the lead up to the festive period please see the website for details.
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