Sophie Farrah finds new life at her local Death Café...
As Benjamin Franklin famously remarked: “In this world, nothing is certain except death and taxes.”
Yet the former remains one of life’s greatest taboos. Try bringing up the subject at a dinner party, and you’ll quickly be accused of ‘killing the mood’ (no pun intended).
Death is the greatest shared human experience. So why does no one want to talk about it?
“I guess at some deep level it’s natural to be afraid of death,” suggests Poppy Mardall of Poppy’s, a modern funeral director based in South-West London.
“Despite advances in science, it’s a mystery and out of our control, which is unnerving for some. But as with so many taboos, it doesn’t take much to bring the conversation out of the cupboard and shine a light on it.”
Introducing Cue Death Cafe
Cue Death Cafe is a ‘social franchise’ that offers a dedicated space for people to come together and talk openly about death and dying, with no agenda, objectives, or predetermined themes. Inspired by the ideas of Swiss sociologist Bernard Crettaz, the late Jon Underwood founded Death Cafe in his Hackney home in September 2011 to “increase awareness of death with a view to helping people make the most of their (finite) lives.”
Since then, tens of thousands of Death Cafes have been held in 92 countries around the world. Poppy Mardall has recently started hosting one in East Sheen.
“Jon believed that talking about death would improve the quality of our lives. If you know that something’s going to end, you might think differently about how you spend your time,” she explains.
As someone who finds a great deal of comfort in denial, I must say that, when it comes to contemplating my own end, I prefer the sentiment of writer William Saroyan: “Everybody has got to die, but I have always believed an exception would be made in my case.”
“But it doesn’t make sense to pretend it’s not going to happen,” counters Poppy.
“We all know that death – both that of the people in our lives and our own – is a certainty that everyone shares. I think people come to Death Cafes because they long for an opportunity to talk openly about something that is actually staring us all in the face.”
I found stepping into East Sheen’s Boulangerie Jade – the chosen location for Poppy’s Death Café – incredibly daunting, but the atmosphere was immediately warm, welcoming and supportive. Poppy, Natalie (also of Poppy’s) and local celebrant Diane King were the hosts, and I was surprised by how many of us had gathered – perhaps 20, maybe more. I bought a cup of tea and a pastry and took a seat at a table of smiling, similarly apprehensive-looking strangers.
After a brief introduction and a few ground rules – people are encouraged to be respectful to one another and to treat each other’s stories in confidence – we were split into two groups, each with a facilitator.
A crucial part of Death Café is that there is no fixed agenda or theme
And so, for the next 90 minutes, a refreshingly honest and open conversation ensued, flowing naturally from experiences of loss and beliefs around what happens when we die right through to the concept of the living funeral – a celebration for someone approaching death – and encompassing everything in between.
It was by no means easy. There were plenty of tears (and some laughter), but there was also a palpable sense of relief in sharing and collectively shining a light on something that is usually socially ‘off-limits’. It felt empowering to reclaim such an important conversation from a place of awkwardness and fear.
“There’s often an expectation of discomfort and silence, but once the group starts talking, I find that the conversation fizzes,” says Poppy. “This is the reality of busting a taboo – people have a lot to say!
“And the discussion varies hugely. Some want to talk about very practical things, others spiritual, others emotional. People often leave saying how strange it is that we don’t have these open conversations more often.”
Stepping back out onto the Upper Richmond Road, I felt exhausted and in need of some time to process it all. But I also felt a sense of optimism.
Death may be inevitable, but it’s not here quite yet, and talking about it had chipped away at the fear. It had left me feeling bolstered and genuinely thrilled to be alive. Who knew that a conversation about death could be quite so life-affirming?
“There is something deeply reassuring and inspiring about realising that we all have similar anxieties and worries about death. It’s a relief to have the conversation together,” smiles Poppy. “I always leave with a spring in my step.”
The next Death Cafe in East Sheen is on Dec 5, 10.30 am – 12 noon, at Boulangerie Jade, SW14 8QR. It’s free to attend, with food and drink available to buy. No need to book, but if you’d like to register your interest in advance, go to eventbrite.co.uk (search for ‘Poppy’s’). To find your nearest Death Cafe or to host your own, visit: deathcafe.com.
