As Nish Kumar, presenter of the satirical news series The Mash Report brings his latest stand-up show to the Rose this month, Rosanna Greenstreet asks the questions...
Born in Wandsworth and raised in Croydon, Nish, 33, studied at Durham University. He began his comedy career in 2006 and went on to achieve global success on the stand-up circuit. As well as hosting The Mash Report on BBC2, he stars in the Comedy Central travel show, Joel & Nish vs The World. He is currently touring the UK with It’s In Your Nature To Destroy Yourselves and, this month, comes to the Rose, Dorking Halls and London’s Hackney Empire. He lives in Shepherd’s Bush with the comedian Amy Annette.
When were you happiest?
Right now. I think I was born in my early 30s and I am finally catching up to my age. It’s fine to be a bit like Frasier now, but it’s probably not ideal when you are 12.
What is your greatest fear?
Death and everything.
What is your earliest memory?
I have a distinct memory of my first day at school, of my dad having to slightly stoop to get into my primary school classroom.
Which living person do you most admire and why?
Bob Dylan because he has been my hero for many years and is also, surprisingly, still alive.
What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Selfishness.
Aside from a property, what’s the most expensive thing you’ve ever bought?
I have a Stratocaster which is part of my long doomed ambition to become Jimi Hendrix.
What is your most treasured possession?
A Batman pen lid. My dad bought the pen when I was about four years old and had expressed a reluctance to return to school. I had to be bribed to stay in school and, weirdly, I still have that lid.
What is your wallpaper?
A picture of my girlfriend.
What would your superpower be?
I want Wolverine’s powers. He’s invulnerable, he can’t die, his injuries heal immediately and he’s got cool metal claws.
What makes you unhappy?
A lot of things but, 90% of the time, I can route it back to the fact that I’ve forgotten to have breakfast.
If you could bring something extinct back to life, what would you choose?
David Bowie.
Who would play you in the film of your life?
When you are a real person and someone plays you in a film they have to be 30% more attractive than you. Oscar Isaac is considerably more attractive than me and not the same race but there is enough of a resemblance that he could pull it off.
What is your most unappealing habit?
I clean myself appropriately but my surroundings are an absolute quagmire. Amy is trying to improve things but it’s like turning a supertanker.
What is your favourite smell?
My grandmother’s fish curry.
What is your favourite word?
Ridiculous.
Which book changed your life?
Haroun and the Sea of Stories – Salman Rushdie’s children’s book. My parents bought it for me and it was the first time I was conscious of the style and swing of a writer and it brought together things that I recognised from popular culture and mashed them up in an interesting way.
What did you want to be when you were growing up?
Something in comedy. It was either this or Jimi Hendrix and Jimi Hendrix was probably unlikely.
What is the worst thing anyone’s ever said to you?
The Sun television critic said he wanted to throw an axe at me, so that’s pretty bad.
What is top of your bucket list?
I would like to attend the Oscars drunk.
What do you owe your parents? They provided a very stable foundation for me and, in more recent years, have been a ceaseless source of punchlines.
To whom would you most like to say sorry and why?
Most of the people that saw me do comedy between the years 2007 and 2012.
What or who is the greatest love of your life?
I probably should say my girlfriend and not my guitars.
What does love feel like?
It feels worryingly close to absolute panic.
Have you ever said “I love you” without meaning it?
Yes, to an audience.
Which living person do you most despise and why?
Either Trump or Farage.
Who would you invite to your dream dinner party?
I cannot cook for love nor money so it would fall on the guests to do the heavy lifting. So Nigella Lawson and my grandmother – and Dylan so he could do a song.
Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
A variety of superlatives like excellent, outstanding, amazing and, in the last couple of years when watching the news, a raft of obscenities.
What is the worst job you’ve ever done?
Doorman for one day. It was a particularly undignified job because I wasn’t there in a security capacity – obviously given my stature and physical limitations, I was literally there to open and close a door for people at a conference.
What has been your biggest disappointment?
In the last couple of years, Britain.
If you could edit your past, what would you change?
Most of my teenage years.
If you could go back in time, where would you go?
To the late 1960s and see Hendrix play live.
When did you last cry, and why?
Describing the plot of Roma.
How do you relax?
At the cinema.
What is the closest you’ve ever come to death?
I felt closest when I was filming a travel show last year with Joel Dommett in Peru. We were hiking on the side of a mountain and it got dark and we had no idea what was going on and, for some reason, Joel was holding a llama on a lead. I thought, “This is how we are going to die.” It may be that my risk assessment was a little alarmist due to the fact that no solid food had stayed in my body for the preceding 48 hours.
What do you consider your greatest achievement?
I learned how to play The Wind Cries Mary guitar solo.
What has been your closest brush with the law?
I got fined $30 in New York for having an open receptacle of alcohol. I wasn’t actually drinking, I just had an open beer that I’d got from a pizza place and I was walking back to where I was staying but, apparently, that constitutes drinking in the street.
What keeps you awake at night?
It could be anything from the concept of human mortality to a faux pas I made at a party in 2005.
What song would you like played at your funeral?
Lay Down Your Weary Tune by Bob Dylan.
How would you like to be remembered?
As the man who never died.
Tell us a secret:
When I am on stage, I am often thinking about what I will eat after the show.
An edited version of this interview ran in the Weekend Guardian magazine.
March 10, Rose Theatre, Kingston
March 28, Dorking Halls, Dorking
March 29 Hackney Empire, London
For tickets go to nishkumar.co.uk
