'Club Tropicana' review

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Richard Davies barely survives a night from hell at Club Tropicana in Woking’s New Victoria Theatre. On until 6 April – avoid it if you possibly can...

OUR VERDICT

In case you’re thinking that’s got to be a mistake, this really is a zero star review. I’ve never had the urge to give one before, but that was before I saw Club Tropicana, the 80s musical show. As far as devilish earworms go, can there be any worse than ‘The Lion Sleeps Tonight?’ I fear it will take me some time to recover and only hope that writing this review will be the beginning of the healing process.

As someone who was 16 in 1980, I remember the music being on the whole pretty good, certainly better than the telly. Somehow this show brings together all the worst songs of the decade, if not the worst things about being young and alive at that time. 

Part of the problem is that for some reason – perhaps the title - I’d expected a tribute to the songs of Wham. Indeed, I’d persuaded my spouse and reluctant reviewing partner to accompany me on this premise, both of us being secret George Michael fans. But even the title was a false pretence as there wasn’t a Wham song to be heard. I suspect the George Michael estate has better lawyers who jealously resist any such misuse of the golden duo’s back catalogue.

To give you an idea of the show’s sheer awfulness, imagine a form of Tourette’s syndrome, where every moment in your life becomes associated with some cheesy 80s pop song. The show starts with a groom waiting in Church for his bride to arrive. Cue ‘Look Of Love’. But then, somewhat anachronistically, he gets a phone call on his mobile (an 80s style brick of course) from his fiancée who tells him she can’t go through with it. Instead, she decides to go on the honeymoon with her girl gang. Cue ‘Girls Just Wanna Have Fun’. But the boys too want to cheer up their distraught mate by going on a lads bash. Cue ‘Oops upside your Head’. And so it goes on.

Predictably, they all end up at the Club Tropicana, a dismal tourist hotel on the Costa del Sol, which for some reason is competing to be the hotel of the year with the Hotel Miramar. Cue every corny cliché about Spanish holidays and Spanish people in general. Here we meet Consuela, a Spanish maid who manages to be more of a ridiculous stereotype than Manuel from Fawlty Towers. She is played by the talented singer/comedian/impressionist Kate Robbins, who as the only grown up on stage, really should have known better. 

We also meet former X Factor winner Joe McElderry as Garry, the camp entertainer. McElderry has a super voice and a very engaging personality. He is totally wasted in this show and should consider suing whoever got him this role. The hotel receptionist is Serena, played by former Sugababe Amelle Berrabah, who is in unrequited love with hotel manager Robert, played by Neil McDermott. All I can say is that they are two of the dullest romantic leads I have ever witnessed. 

Amongst the other cast members, I can only single out Rebecca Mendoza for her hilariously shameless attempt to steal her mate’s fiancée, which almost deserved a star in itself, but not quite. Cue: ‘I could be so good for you,’ a song that I never want to hear again for the rest of my life. Mendoza should also be congratulated for being the only member of the cast able to consistently lift their dance partner without dropping them.

As I left the auditorium, I found myself getting depressed by a vision of spending my last days in an old people’s home, being forced to listen to wall-to-wall 80s pop tracks from some misguided attempt to ‘reconnect me with my memories’. I consoled myself with the thought that by then I will probably be totally gaga (Cue: Radio Gaga). Or maybe they will have legalised voluntary euthanasia (Cue: Don’t leave me this way, followed by Relax!).

Venue: New Victoria Theatre, Woking

Dates: 2-6 April 2019