Jonathan Romain reveals the rollercoaster world of rabbinic life
COLIN BROOKS
My father got it wrong. When I became a rabbi, he was worried that: ‘you’ll spend your life in an ivory tower and never get to live in the real world’.
On the contrary, being a congregational minister (I serve Maidenhead Synagogue) means I have dealt with a rollercoaster of traumas and crises. There was the woman, for instance, who chose to read her au pair’s diary while she was out on an errand, and found that not only had the latter slept with her husband, but also with each of her three teenage sons. Amid the horror she experienced, the only mitigating factor was that the au pair had used contraceptives – sorting out a paternity suit could have proved highly traumatic should she have fallen pregnant.
In a reverse scenario, a husband came to see me to confess that he’d had an affair, but had brought it to an end because he had decided he loved his wife and did not want to endanger their marriage. ‘That’s good’, I said, ‘but why are you informing me?’ He replied: ‘I want your advice on how best to explain it to my wife’.
To his surprise, my strong response was that he should not tell her, as it would not only upset her, but also undermine the relationship he was trying to save. If there was a likelihood of it becoming public knowledge, then it would be better for her to hear about it from him first; but, if not, why shift his feelings of guilt off himself and do an emotional dump on her?
Honesty is not always the best policy, and morality is much more complex than simply telling the truth. Fifteen years on, he and his wife are still married and, if asked, she would say how lucky she is to have such a wonderful husband.
In contrast, when (not their real names) Eve found Bob in bed with one of her friends, she sued for divorce but was secretly delighted. She confided in me that Bob had been abusing her physically for much of their marriage, but she had felt too ashamed to admit it and too repressed to take action. Now she had a publicly acceptable excuse to leave him.
My dilemma arose two years later when Bob began dating a feisty divorcee, which then turned into an engagement.
Did I warn her that he was an abuser and break Eve’s confidence? Or did I hope that, being a different character; she would not let a repeat scenario occur?
I decided that the greater wrong would come from silence. It is not easy telling someone that the person with whom they are pinning great hopes for the future is not all he seems. A few weeks later the relationship ended.
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Martin Shaw
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Martin Shaw
Sometimes, judgements have to be instantaneous, with a risk of getting them wrong, such as at a wedding at which I was about to officiate. The bride had fallen out with her father long ago, so she had not invited him. Four minutes before the ceremony was due to begin, he knocked on the synagogue door and demanded to be allowed to attend.
When I relayed this to the bride, she was adamant that he should not be admitted and threatened to leave if he was present. Did I tell her he had a right to be there? Did I turn away a father who was dressed up for his daughter’s wedding? The clock was ticking away, the choir warming up, the guests waiting and I had little time to decide.
I went outside to speak to him in person. I felt I had no choice but to exclude him. Sabbath services may be a public occasion open to everyone, but weddings are a private event by invitation only. It was tough telling a father his daughter rejects him, and doing so on the doorstep.
What was equally gut wrenching was delivering the wedding address ten minutes later, telling the couple thoughts I had prepared earlier about the value of family and the importance of domestic harmony!
I have compiled these and two hundred more anecdotes into a book – Confessions of a Rabbi – containing emotional traumas, moral dilemmas, attempts at seduction, multiple murders, Machiavellian families, funerals that go wrong, weddings that are hijacked, and fights through a maze of other people’s sexual fantasies.
Its object is to show those with personal or family problems that they are more normal than they may think, and offer advice for dealing with said problems. The identities of all concerned have been hidden, but the real revelation is whether we recognise aspects of ourselves, be it with a wry smile or sense of alarm.
- Confessions of a Rabbi is published by Biteback at £12.99 and is also available post-free from: admin@maidshul.org
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